Fondue!

What to do on Thanksgiving if you're a vegetarian?  If one is fortunate to have lots of relatives who are excellent cooks, well, one just enjoys an endless supply of vegetarian side courses and such (this was my technique while in San Diego).  But, let's say you're not the world's best cook and you still want to have a special, gut-busting meal for the big day.  One word: Fondue.

As I've already fielded a number of requests for this already, I feel like now is as good a time as any to put "my" famous fondue recipe online for easy reference.

Fondue moitié-moitié (as adapted from Serge's recipe)

Fig. 1: Thanksgiving is very big in Switzerland on account of the large number of Swiss who came to American and were kicked out.  For bonus points: what is wrong with this picture?

Ingredients:

• 200 g cheese per person
• Kick this up to 250 - 300g for "heavy hitters"
• moitié-moitié means "half-n-half" -- half the cheese should be gruyère and the other half should be vacherin fribourgeois.  If you can't get vacherin at your supermarket, go to any specialty shop or just a frou-frou supermarket with a great cheese selection.  Stanford peeps, you can get your cheese from the Milk Pail Market.  If you can't find vacherin, or if you find its somewhat pungent taste too rich for your blood, then up the percentage of gruyere and replace the vacherin with a strong, white cheese.  White cheddar will work, but something too dry like Parmesan will not.
• 200 g bread per person
• Get plain french bread from the supermarket, preferably day old or at least a bit hard.  Don't buy sliced bread as you'll want it cut much thicker.
• 75 ml wine per person
• My original source (i.e. Serge) suggests that you should use 100 ml wine.  I think that this produces too liquidy a fondue, which although delicious, is not to everyone's liking.  Save the wine for drinking.  Go with a dry white wine, like a zinfandel.  Nothing fruity, sweet, or oaky.
  
• one clove garlic
• one shot of kirschwasser
• Kirschwasser is a dry, fruity, cherry brandy.  Cherry schnapps will work, but if you can't find kirsch, just get another dry, fruity brandy like Slivovitz, palinka, or tuica.  I have personally witnessed a Swiss person use tequila when Kirsch was unavailable, but I wouldn't recommend it to the novice.
  
• one Tbsp. corn starch
• fresh ground pepper
  
• one jar of cornichons
• Small pickles.  These are essential for occasionally refreshing the pallet.
  

Items that you will need

• One caquelon and burner per 4 people.
• If you don't have a caquelon, use a sturdy pan.  All the fondue sets anyone I knew at Stanford had were really tiny.  Use the burner, but toss the small caquelon in favor of a larger pot.
• Fuel for the burner
• Here in Switzerland, you can get these little cups of gel fuel which are disposable and easy to use.  I'm not sure how available these are stateside, but you can just buy denatured alcohol instead.  Be warned, though, because if you do use liquid fuel, you will probably want one of these ...
• Fire extinguisher
• You never know.

Fig. 2: Liquid fuel has a tendency to cause trouble, especially if the person in charge of filling the burners has already had a bit too much liquid fuel himself.

Preparation:

The first task is to grate the cheese.  Unless the cheese came pre-grated (ask at the cheese counter, maybe they'll do it for you), you are in for a lot of fun.  Set a couple of your B-ark guests on this task as it is a good way to keep them out of the kitchen.

Next, start cutting the bread.  You want roughly 1-2" cubes, or you can just cut into thick slices and let each guest tear off chunks, either way is fine.  I used to think that this was a fairly obvious and simple task, until I once assigned it to someone who shall not be named.  Apparently, having a Master's degree in financial math is not enough to qualify someone to quickly and efficiently cut bread.

Fig. 3: Poor bread-cutting algorithms will run in O(n^2) or even O(n^3) time, while an optimized strategy gets the job done in O(n).

Cut the clove of garlic in half and rub it around the inside of the pot.  If you like garlic, throw the halves into the pot, if not, throw them into the trash.  Next, add the wine and put the pot on a stove on medium heat.  Do not attempt to do this on your burner, it is way too inefficient and slow.  Mix the kirsch and the corn starch in a small container, then add them to the pot when the wine is simmering.  Now, just add handfuls of cheese slowly, allowing each to melt before adding another.  Once melted, you can add some fresh pepper to the pot, and you're ready to eat!

Fig. 4: Good times in Menlo Park.  Notice the chairs and table, all of which were stolen from the physics department to accommodate the large number of attendees.

Helpful hints:

• While the cheese is melting, one should stir the pot using a wooden spoon by making an exaggerated figure-eight pattern.  You might think that the way that you stir the cheese is irrelevant, but it's these kind of details that separate the fondues from the fondon'ts.
• As an experienced fondue eater, it is your responsibility to stir the pot while it is at the table.  Use a sturdy piece of bread that is well attached to your forchette to mix the cheese around.  Beginners should not attempt this move as it will most likely lead to them dropping their bread in the fondue, a huge no-no.
• Don't be too vigilant about stirring the pot; there should always be a thin layer of cheese stuck to the bottom that slightly burns during eating.  This is called la religieuse (the nun) and is a tasty treat for those willing to scrape it off of the pot.  I don't know why it's called "the nun."
  
• Drink white wine with your fondue.  As there is just something about cheese that makes it conducive to drinking, you should probably have roughly one bottle per person on hand for the event.  People who don't drink wine can drink water or hot tea, all other beverages are strictly forbidden.  Think I'm kidding?  I've heard of restaurants literally refusing to serve coke to Americans with their fondue for fear of it causing horrible gastric problems.
• No matter what you do, there will probably be issues with the consistency of the cheese.  If it starts to phase separate into liquid and solid portions, take it off the small burner and put if back on the stove, heating it and stirring vigorously (in figure eights!) until it starts behaving.  It really is difficult to get the consistency "just right," so don't worry about it and just eat it the way it is.  Too runny or too thick is still delicious, so enjoy!
• A final word of warning:  watch out what happens to your camera during a night of fondue.  If you do not practice constant vigilance, odds are high that some narcissistic joker will steal it and take lots of pictures of himself.  Be advised.
  

Fig. 5: I have like 10 of these shots on my camera.  Thanks, Nick!

Enjoy!!